How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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