I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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