omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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