He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
