Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
