Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You are a genius and a whore.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
