Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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