i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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