Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
