fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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