there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
