i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
