I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
