I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
