Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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