your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
