Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
