For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
