Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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