and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Randomize
