I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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