So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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