can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
