watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
