is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
