Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
