just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
