Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
