im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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