Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
