Tell her she can't have a vagina
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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