dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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