So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Four minutes until I can fart!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
