I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
