I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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