I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
