Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My ass is underappreciated
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
