No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
