8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
