She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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