Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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