Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he thought i was a dude.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
