I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
