the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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