I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
