I'm really into asian looking animals
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
