Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
