Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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