She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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