Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
