I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
